I just spent a little time reading through all my old blog posts from high school. And as interesting as it is to reread some of those posts, (some, not all. I was really boring a few times...) I decided it was time to move on. It may be beneficial for me to remember where I was, and what I felt, and the ways that God moved in my life, but I'm not really interested in sharing that with the rest of the world. To be honest, I was a little embarrassed about how trivial most of the entries were. I definitely went through a phase of posting things just for the sake of writing on the blog, without taking into consideration the fact that no one was actually reading it. I don't know that anyone will be reading this either, but my purpose in writing tonight is more for my own sake and for getting my thoughts out. It's interesting how getting back into school has changed my perspective in that area. For a while I sort of gave up writing for myself because I either thought I had nothing to say, or I was embarrassed when I reread things. But after writing all semester for school, I think I've finally started to rediscover my voice.
It's interesting to me that I have always had such mixed feelings about writing. In school I've always been a strong student, and have always gotten positive feedback on my assignments. But what does that actually say about my writing? It never gave me much confidence or pleasure. I always put off writing assignments until the last minute, and I don't think I've ever actually taken the time to proofread a paper since high school-I never wanted to reread my own words. Too embarrassed with my own thoughts to take the time to reflect on them. Too stuck on the ideals of perfection to actually take the time to improve my work. That last thought seems rather counterintuitive, but it's accurate. One of the strangest things in my struggles with perfectionism has been coming to terms with the fact that it manifests itself by convincing me that if I don't do my best on things, I won't be disappointed when my best doesn't end up being perfect.
I've been thinking tonight about an article I read earlier today. It talked about how people who grow up being told they are good students, or smart, rather than being told they are hard workers, have trouble later on in life with confidence and motivation. Because they used to thinking of themselves as naturally good at something, it follows that the things that give them trouble are things they are "naturally" just not good at. And this means that when they fail at something, rather than trying harder or changing strategies, or any number of other coping mechanisms, they simply give up and move on, convinced that if they were able to do it, they would do it naturally on the first try. The article also said that girls were especially susceptible to this way of thinking, because girls are so often told that they are good, or well-behaved, or whatever.
The reason this article has stayed on my mind for so long tonight is because I saw so many connections to my own life. I know, in the part of my mind that can detach itself from my emotions, that I am intelligent, capable, and talented. I know that if I were to give things my full effort, there are few things I could not do, even if I had to try a few times to do them. And all my experience in this area has taught me that these things are true. When I have pushed myself past my own inclination to stop when things get difficult, or when I couldn't do something on the first try, I have generally found that I could not only do things, but do them well. What I have not been able to do, is to solidify this knowledge to the point of finally having confidence in myself. I still, after years of being a student, cannot break the habit of procrastination, because there is part of me that needs to have an excuse to fail beyond my own potential lack of ability. A part of me that needs to be able to say "well, I probably could have done that better, but since I don't have time, here is the best I could do under the circumstances." And even though it usually turns out fine, or better than fine, I never give myself the option of saying "here, I worked on this to the utmost of my ability, this is TRULY the best that I could have done." And I think it's because I am too afraid of the possibility that the best I can do isn't good enough. It's a funny paradox, really. I stay contented with good grades on what is probably for me, mediocre work, rather than putting in the time and effort to truly try for the best I could possibly do because for some reason I'm afraid of what people would think of my best.
This all goes back to the constant struggle to grasp the fact that in God's eyes, I am enough. Not just enough, but beautifully and wonderfully made in His own image. I don't often give myself goals because it seems like I'm trying to force the future, but I think for this it will be worth it. My goal: to live life steeped in the knowledge that I am God's beloved child, that I have nothing to fear from failure, and that the worst that can happen is what I'm already doing- not living up to my full potential. I may need to keep reminding myself of this, but it doesn't change the truth. I really can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Can I really believe that my personal inhibitions and lack of confidence can stand up to the love and support from the maker of the universe? Well, not when I put it like that... Let's hope I can keep things in context and make a strong end to this semester. It's not for my own benefit I decided to go into teaching, after all. God's the one who decided on that, and if He hadn't pushed me here I wouldn't have made it this far. And He isn't about to give up on me.